my plea.

It is so easy in times of despair to have resentment, allow your anger to fester, and lose yourself. After my department meeting today, with the grim future looming ahead, I could easily do any one of those things, especially lose myself, but that's the last thing I want.

While I wouldn't say I am an overly optimistic person, I always try to look on the brighter side, see the situation in its best possible light. The main reason for this is that I can't imagine living as a pessimist. What would the value of life become to me? How could I wake up every morning and pull myself out of bed? I wouldn't be able to. The struggle between optimism and pessimism is a constant one. We are thrown so many things in life that cause us to be steadily balancing between the two, at times favoring one over the other. My goal is to never lose that balance, to never lose my ability to be optimistic. If I lose it, they win. They've broken me down, caused me to quit, to cry, to give up, to hurt, and to forget who I am. I won't let that happen.

I hear teachers talk about switching professions on a daily basis. I hear teachers discuss how they don't feel appreciated or understood. I hear teachers say they discourage their students from going into education. I hear teachers wonder about their purpose, who are they really helping? I hear teachers discuss the stress about the amount of work and frustration they bring home with them, into their homes, into their families. I hear them and it scares me. I catch myself nodding in agreement. I hear myself join in their complaints, and I am disappointed in myself because it is in those moments where I feel like I've lost myself the most.

I am devastated that my hopes and dreams for this career are being tried, questioned and crippled daily. I don't want to lose faith in teaching, but I am wondering that if I don't, will I come to regret it? Will I continue to put every ounce of myself into my work to simply be met with higher, more impossible demands? Will I continue to invest my time, money and emotions into the classroom, only to find that it won't be mine anymore because I don't have enough seniority? Will I continue to spend my nights and weekends pouring over piles of grading and lessons, only to be questioned by both parents and administration? Will I continue to attempt to build bonds and relationships with my students only to find out it's not enough? Will I continue to have high expectations for my students, but be questioned because I fail too many of them?

I pray that something happens to nourish and excite both my passion for and confidence in this profession. If not, are you hiring?

thankful.

At this point in the school year, I talk to my sophomore classes about talent. I tell them that no matter how talented you are, you won't go anywhere without effort, without the drive and determination to move forward. Fear, worry, anxiety, stress, and many other things stand in our way, but if these empty emotions don't overpower us, our talent might just be able to flourish.

Going into the year, I have told myself over and over to not allow the stress to control my life. As much as I love teaching, I have to remember it is my job. I should still be able to enjoy the things I love. It will prove to be a challenge, but I cannot let my stress, my anxiety and my worry to overpower me.

If I had let these things overpower me this summer, when searching for my very first home with Kyle, I wouldn't have signed my VERY LAST rent check today! The process was extensive, testing, and long, but we found strength in one another, and thus, our first home became a reality. I have finally allowed myself to begin picturing this life awaiting us. A life full of holiday decorating (which, I have to admit, excites me most), homemade dinners with friends, walking the square on summer nights, spending nights talking to Kyle on the patio, gardening while he mows, and simply being a couple. A home is the beginning. The wedding will follow. Our love will grow, change and strengthen. Our home will grow, change and strengthen. Our lives will become more full.

I am so grateful for overcoming my temptations to quit. I am thankful for the effort we put forth, because that is what brought us the fortune we have now. Not luck.

follow the yellow brick road.

I grew up watching The Wizard of Oz, learning the songs, hiding my eyes in the scary scenes, hoping every time that Dorothy makes it home. Throughout the movie, Dorothy is constantly searching, searching for answers, for a way home. I feel Dorothy's pain, I understand the unsettled and restless feeling of wanting to be somewhere else, hoping to find answers.

School is nearing its end. Despite the bonds I've built with my students this year, and how deeply I will miss teaching many of them, I am restless. I am unsettled. I feel as though I am on the edge of my seat, awaiting that last school bell, telling me, "Yes, Ms. Olson, you are free."

Part of this restlessness is born out of my desire to do something other than grade papers. I feel as though I am swimming in stacks of unorganized nonsense, including papers, clothes, and other miscellaneous objects filling my apartment and my classroom. I feel suffocated. I feel overwhelmed. The only relief providing me with the strength to endure is that last bell, the reminder to follow the yellow brick road.

Upon considering the conclusion of my first full school year, I find great solace in what awaits me. I've made a list (as I love to do) of the tasks I hope to accomplish come summer.

1. Organize my closet.

The thought of my closet now, makes me cringe. The desire to color-code, add shelving, create labels and categorize defines my undying necessity to know where everything is, and be proud of the space in which I live.

2. Organize my work.

As previously mentioned, my classroom is a swamp of papers. The piles of extra copies, graded and ungraded student work, etc. provide me with the means to drive myself crazy. Again, my love of school supplies will prove beneficial in attempting to sort through the mess awaiting me. Binders, files, labels, and the vast array of colorful supplies are the few things keeping me sane.

3. Plan the wedding!

Despite my desire to organize the rest of my life, this task provides me with true excitement

and anticipation. While many girls have been planning their weddings all of their lives, I wasn't necessarily one of them. There were things that I knew I would want, but I also knew that when the time came, I'd want my marriage to be the perfect representation of my relationship with my husband. Since I was unaware of what that relationship would be, I left many loose ends for my future self to enjoy. Boy, will I enjoy them!

4. Buy our first home

While the process has already begun, Kyle and I are anxiously awaiting taking those first steps into our home. We've seen many, but have yet to find "the one". We are both anticipating getting that "feeling", and once we do, I cannot wait for the joys that new step will bring.

5. Cook

There has unfortunately been an indefinite lull in my kitchen time, provided the hectic schedule and time constraints evading my life. While I have tried new recipes here and there, I am unsatisfied with my efforts, so I look forward to the opportunity to get creative and find some new recipes that I can add to my collection for the future life ahead of me!

Each task is a brick on my yellow brick road, something that will lead me to where I belong and the happiness I strive for. There is no doubt that I will also enjoy the extra time traveling to Indianapolis, to make much needed visits to family and friends. I must rekindle the relationships that have provided me with such love and happiness. Beyond these things, the summer promises sun, relaxation and of course, summer reading!

Thank you Dorothy for providing me with the perseverance to continue down my path, following the road that leads me to home.

4 years ago...

Four years ago today, a girl sat on the front steps of her beautiful sorority house, a nervous wreck. A few steps away sat a boy, who happened to be just as nervous as she was. In a conversation composed of nervous pauses and unsure words, that boy and girl decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend.

That day, April 24, 2007, Kyle and I took the leap, and became exclusive.

A lot has happened since 4/24/07, but I love that I can look back on the past four years and know that they have been the happiest of my life. I love that these past four years spent with the man of my dreams were everything I could have hoped for. I love that in four years I have become a better person because of the man I will marry in a short 440 days. Put simply: I love him.

Kyle Becich, I cannot wait to spend the rest of my years by your side! I am so happy that day, on the steps of Kappa Alpha Theta, you asked me to be yours.

I am, forever.

those i love...

I have realized in the past few days just how important it is to take moments out of each day to reconnect with those closest to me. Being far from many of those people, beyond my wonderfully attentive fiance, is a tough reality, but I have come to find out that a simple phone call can go a long way.

I am thankful for the following reconnections in the past week:

1. Jenny, my bestest friend. While I always enjoy our (semi) regular chats, it has been wonderful to hear your voice more regularly as of late. You always find a way to bring sunshine and laughter into my day, which is something that I will ALWAYS be eternally grateful for, especially during this CRAZY time of year. I love you.

2. Betty, my chatty twin. The jewelry show was not just a wonderful day full of shopping and yummy sangria, but it was a much needed day away from...life. You, better than anyone, can understand my frustrations, impatience, and the whole array of emotions I feel within just one week. Taking the day to catch up and talk about our lives was extremely refreshing. I am so happy to have found you in the beginning of this new life. You are a gem.

3. Leah, my hardworking and genuine senorita. I actually just got off the phone with you, which is what prompted this entry. Since I met you, you have always been a constant in my life. Whenever we talk, I truly feel blessed. You inspire me always to be my best person, because you are so strong and true to yourself. I am in awe of you.

4. Mama mia (of course), my dedicated and heroic mother. All I can say is that I can only hope to be the mother you have been to me, for my kids. I love and respect your patience and wisdom. You have gotten me through the toughest points in my life with such grace, and I came out of each of those situations stronger and braver, because of you. Thank you.

While there are many people in my life that I love and need to be better about communicating with, these four have inspired me to do just that.

Those of you not listed, expect a call from me soon!

not so optimistic.

I need to vent, so please, bear with me...

I went into teaching hoping to have a true impact of the lives of my students and today was one of those days that made me ask, why am I doing this to myself?

I'm not sure how other jobs can relate to this, or if they can at all. I suppose my mom could relate best to feeling unappreciated. Despite all my efforts to do what I can to help my students, I am left with complaints instead of any thanks. I finally understand now, mom, what is just so frustrating and hurtful about that.

I think that my dad, or any other business manager, would be able to relate to feeling both emotionally and physically drained because those you attempt to teach and help don't hear you. I remember my dad's frustration as employees would repeat mistakes, or simply weren't motivated. I hear you dad. My students listen, but if only they would hear what I was telling them. There is a difference. You can listen to music, but when you hear it, you hear each note, you follow the patterns, beats and the instruments. If my students could hear me, they might just be able to walk away valuing their education.

I think my grandpa, the pharmacist, could relate most to the pressure. While my grandpa has been making drugs for many, many years, the stress of making sure he doesn't slip up, and make a lethal mistake is a rather heavy burden. The stress of my job, while it isn't a matter of life and death, is a matter of success or failure. Maybe it isn't fair for me to put that burden on myself, but I think any good teacher does. Each day becomes a battle. Can I get my students to really learn something, or will their daydreams win, and leave me feeding on the scraps? My job is to educate these kids, to prepare them for their futures. It's extremely stressful to think about what an impact I will or will not have. Will they know what to capitalize when composing that first resume? Will their future job applications bleed sentence fragments and run-ons? Will they be able to send an email to a boss or potential employee without sounding or appearing unintelligent? Their futures lie in my hands.

It is days like this that I wonder if it really is worth it. I know I've had better days. Heck, I've had wonderful days, where students have shown appreciation. But as of now, the bad ones outweigh the good...and it isn't even a close call.

Part of me wants to go back and just erase this entire post because I am typically optimistic. I try to see the positive in every situation, and I've always chosen to live my life that way. This, however, is entirely pessimistic, but it is also entirely honest. In simplest terms, I'm discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

wedding bells.

The transition back to school brought with it some much anticipated excitement for me in this new year. I was looking forward to sharing with my school community the happy news of my engagement. It is so touching to get to share such a special day with students and colleagues who were remarkably excited for me.

The excitement, I am sad to say, was short lived. After spending the past three days placing calls frantically, hoping that we could find a church and a reception hall available for one of our open weekends this coming summer, I met a wall. Everything was booked.

What did I do? Only what was natural, I called my mom. She is still the one person who can calm me down, and dry my tears, and dry my tears she did. As I was wiping away my carefully placed mascara, with tissue after tissue, my mom reassured me that having the wedding in the summer of 2012 could turn out to be even better. With a longer engagement comes more time to plan, getting to book our first choice in venues and vendors, enjoying our engagement with as little stress as possibly (at least now), and avoiding the "rushing" and "settling" that comes with quick plans.

While I am terribly excited to become Kyle's wife, after over three years of dating, I know that I want our wedding day to be perfect. I have so much respect for him and I still view our relationship as a truly beautiful thing, so why shouldn't our wedding day reflect that? Why shouldn't our wedding day be EXACTLY what we imagined it would be?

After asking myself these questions, I realized how silly I was being. My desire to marry Kyle NOW, was impeding my judgment, but what can I say? I want to marry him SO badly!

I know that we're making the right decision to move the wedding (even though it was never officially booked) to next summer, because now, when I think of our big day, I smile. I smile when I think about the church, I smile when I think about the preparation, I smile when I think about the venue and the wonderful group that I am sure will fill it.

What am I excited about now? Well, I'm a "planner" not a "procrastinator", so the fact that I will get to plan, step by step, and do so in a timely, organized fashion, makes me giddy. I am so looking forward to enjoying every minute of this.

Hopefully you won't mind the shift I foresee this blog taking - I hear wedding bells!

More to come...