those i love...

I have realized in the past few days just how important it is to take moments out of each day to reconnect with those closest to me. Being far from many of those people, beyond my wonderfully attentive fiance, is a tough reality, but I have come to find out that a simple phone call can go a long way.

I am thankful for the following reconnections in the past week:

1. Jenny, my bestest friend. While I always enjoy our (semi) regular chats, it has been wonderful to hear your voice more regularly as of late. You always find a way to bring sunshine and laughter into my day, which is something that I will ALWAYS be eternally grateful for, especially during this CRAZY time of year. I love you.

2. Betty, my chatty twin. The jewelry show was not just a wonderful day full of shopping and yummy sangria, but it was a much needed day away from...life. You, better than anyone, can understand my frustrations, impatience, and the whole array of emotions I feel within just one week. Taking the day to catch up and talk about our lives was extremely refreshing. I am so happy to have found you in the beginning of this new life. You are a gem.

3. Leah, my hardworking and genuine senorita. I actually just got off the phone with you, which is what prompted this entry. Since I met you, you have always been a constant in my life. Whenever we talk, I truly feel blessed. You inspire me always to be my best person, because you are so strong and true to yourself. I am in awe of you.

4. Mama mia (of course), my dedicated and heroic mother. All I can say is that I can only hope to be the mother you have been to me, for my kids. I love and respect your patience and wisdom. You have gotten me through the toughest points in my life with such grace, and I came out of each of those situations stronger and braver, because of you. Thank you.

While there are many people in my life that I love and need to be better about communicating with, these four have inspired me to do just that.

Those of you not listed, expect a call from me soon!

not so optimistic.

I need to vent, so please, bear with me...

I went into teaching hoping to have a true impact of the lives of my students and today was one of those days that made me ask, why am I doing this to myself?

I'm not sure how other jobs can relate to this, or if they can at all. I suppose my mom could relate best to feeling unappreciated. Despite all my efforts to do what I can to help my students, I am left with complaints instead of any thanks. I finally understand now, mom, what is just so frustrating and hurtful about that.

I think that my dad, or any other business manager, would be able to relate to feeling both emotionally and physically drained because those you attempt to teach and help don't hear you. I remember my dad's frustration as employees would repeat mistakes, or simply weren't motivated. I hear you dad. My students listen, but if only they would hear what I was telling them. There is a difference. You can listen to music, but when you hear it, you hear each note, you follow the patterns, beats and the instruments. If my students could hear me, they might just be able to walk away valuing their education.

I think my grandpa, the pharmacist, could relate most to the pressure. While my grandpa has been making drugs for many, many years, the stress of making sure he doesn't slip up, and make a lethal mistake is a rather heavy burden. The stress of my job, while it isn't a matter of life and death, is a matter of success or failure. Maybe it isn't fair for me to put that burden on myself, but I think any good teacher does. Each day becomes a battle. Can I get my students to really learn something, or will their daydreams win, and leave me feeding on the scraps? My job is to educate these kids, to prepare them for their futures. It's extremely stressful to think about what an impact I will or will not have. Will they know what to capitalize when composing that first resume? Will their future job applications bleed sentence fragments and run-ons? Will they be able to send an email to a boss or potential employee without sounding or appearing unintelligent? Their futures lie in my hands.

It is days like this that I wonder if it really is worth it. I know I've had better days. Heck, I've had wonderful days, where students have shown appreciation. But as of now, the bad ones outweigh the good...and it isn't even a close call.

Part of me wants to go back and just erase this entire post because I am typically optimistic. I try to see the positive in every situation, and I've always chosen to live my life that way. This, however, is entirely pessimistic, but it is also entirely honest. In simplest terms, I'm discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

wedding bells.

The transition back to school brought with it some much anticipated excitement for me in this new year. I was looking forward to sharing with my school community the happy news of my engagement. It is so touching to get to share such a special day with students and colleagues who were remarkably excited for me.

The excitement, I am sad to say, was short lived. After spending the past three days placing calls frantically, hoping that we could find a church and a reception hall available for one of our open weekends this coming summer, I met a wall. Everything was booked.

What did I do? Only what was natural, I called my mom. She is still the one person who can calm me down, and dry my tears, and dry my tears she did. As I was wiping away my carefully placed mascara, with tissue after tissue, my mom reassured me that having the wedding in the summer of 2012 could turn out to be even better. With a longer engagement comes more time to plan, getting to book our first choice in venues and vendors, enjoying our engagement with as little stress as possibly (at least now), and avoiding the "rushing" and "settling" that comes with quick plans.

While I am terribly excited to become Kyle's wife, after over three years of dating, I know that I want our wedding day to be perfect. I have so much respect for him and I still view our relationship as a truly beautiful thing, so why shouldn't our wedding day reflect that? Why shouldn't our wedding day be EXACTLY what we imagined it would be?

After asking myself these questions, I realized how silly I was being. My desire to marry Kyle NOW, was impeding my judgment, but what can I say? I want to marry him SO badly!

I know that we're making the right decision to move the wedding (even though it was never officially booked) to next summer, because now, when I think of our big day, I smile. I smile when I think about the church, I smile when I think about the preparation, I smile when I think about the venue and the wonderful group that I am sure will fill it.

What am I excited about now? Well, I'm a "planner" not a "procrastinator", so the fact that I will get to plan, step by step, and do so in a timely, organized fashion, makes me giddy. I am so looking forward to enjoying every minute of this.

Hopefully you won't mind the shift I foresee this blog taking - I hear wedding bells!

More to come...

just one person.

A comment was made today at my brief lunch with colleagues about our roles. She said, "At home I can either be a good mother or a good teacher. I cannot be both, so typically good mother wins." Because I have yet to enter the world of motherhood, many might assume it would be difficult for me to completely understand what she meant. However, because I am, instead, a sister, a friend, a daughter and a coach, the variety of roles still meet, morph and tangle.

It is always trying to be your best self every moment, for everyone. As a teacher, I spend my day trying my hardest to be a mentor, a leader, and an educator. In other words, my days are consumed with my attempts to be my best for my students. As the last bell rings, those attempts cannot end there. Grading, planning, analyzing past lessons, improving techniques are all things that jump into my bag, and come home with me. They nestle in corners of my apartment, glaring at me, as I chat on the phone, catching up with friends and family, trying their hardest to make me feel guilty. But should I feel guilty? I refuse to believe that I should be made to feel guilt and regret for wanting to stay in touch with people who are important me, and yet, I do feel guilt. I hate that I have a stack of ungraded papers sitting next to me at this moment, and I am selfish enough to want to vent via blog.

How unfair is that? I feel so invested, as if the world will collapse if I don't get these papers graded, into the grade book and back out to students within days. Is that a reasonable expectation of teachers? Do other jobs require work to be brought home every single day? Work that requires reading, detailed comments, suggestions for improvement? Yes, I have grown up in a house with a father whose job never ended with the workday. Perhaps it is through him that I've found and acquired my own work ethic, and for that I will always be grateful. My intention is not to suggest other occupations are easier. What is frustrating to me, in regards to my specific occupation, is the fact that the investment I put into teaching is not only often unrecognized, but in many cases, unmatched. I won't get into that though. Another place, another time.

My concern is that, I wonder: can we be expected to fill more than one role, and still give enough of ourselves to each? I hope so. I hope I can come home one day, be a good mother, a good teacher, a good wife, and every other role that requires of me, my best. I can't say for certain that it's possible, but if it is, I am determined to be that person.