not so optimistic.

I need to vent, so please, bear with me...

I went into teaching hoping to have a true impact of the lives of my students and today was one of those days that made me ask, why am I doing this to myself?

I'm not sure how other jobs can relate to this, or if they can at all. I suppose my mom could relate best to feeling unappreciated. Despite all my efforts to do what I can to help my students, I am left with complaints instead of any thanks. I finally understand now, mom, what is just so frustrating and hurtful about that.

I think that my dad, or any other business manager, would be able to relate to feeling both emotionally and physically drained because those you attempt to teach and help don't hear you. I remember my dad's frustration as employees would repeat mistakes, or simply weren't motivated. I hear you dad. My students listen, but if only they would hear what I was telling them. There is a difference. You can listen to music, but when you hear it, you hear each note, you follow the patterns, beats and the instruments. If my students could hear me, they might just be able to walk away valuing their education.

I think my grandpa, the pharmacist, could relate most to the pressure. While my grandpa has been making drugs for many, many years, the stress of making sure he doesn't slip up, and make a lethal mistake is a rather heavy burden. The stress of my job, while it isn't a matter of life and death, is a matter of success or failure. Maybe it isn't fair for me to put that burden on myself, but I think any good teacher does. Each day becomes a battle. Can I get my students to really learn something, or will their daydreams win, and leave me feeding on the scraps? My job is to educate these kids, to prepare them for their futures. It's extremely stressful to think about what an impact I will or will not have. Will they know what to capitalize when composing that first resume? Will their future job applications bleed sentence fragments and run-ons? Will they be able to send an email to a boss or potential employee without sounding or appearing unintelligent? Their futures lie in my hands.

It is days like this that I wonder if it really is worth it. I know I've had better days. Heck, I've had wonderful days, where students have shown appreciation. But as of now, the bad ones outweigh the good...and it isn't even a close call.

Part of me wants to go back and just erase this entire post because I am typically optimistic. I try to see the positive in every situation, and I've always chosen to live my life that way. This, however, is entirely pessimistic, but it is also entirely honest. In simplest terms, I'm discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.