just one person.

A comment was made today at my brief lunch with colleagues about our roles. She said, "At home I can either be a good mother or a good teacher. I cannot be both, so typically good mother wins." Because I have yet to enter the world of motherhood, many might assume it would be difficult for me to completely understand what she meant. However, because I am, instead, a sister, a friend, a daughter and a coach, the variety of roles still meet, morph and tangle.

It is always trying to be your best self every moment, for everyone. As a teacher, I spend my day trying my hardest to be a mentor, a leader, and an educator. In other words, my days are consumed with my attempts to be my best for my students. As the last bell rings, those attempts cannot end there. Grading, planning, analyzing past lessons, improving techniques are all things that jump into my bag, and come home with me. They nestle in corners of my apartment, glaring at me, as I chat on the phone, catching up with friends and family, trying their hardest to make me feel guilty. But should I feel guilty? I refuse to believe that I should be made to feel guilt and regret for wanting to stay in touch with people who are important me, and yet, I do feel guilt. I hate that I have a stack of ungraded papers sitting next to me at this moment, and I am selfish enough to want to vent via blog.

How unfair is that? I feel so invested, as if the world will collapse if I don't get these papers graded, into the grade book and back out to students within days. Is that a reasonable expectation of teachers? Do other jobs require work to be brought home every single day? Work that requires reading, detailed comments, suggestions for improvement? Yes, I have grown up in a house with a father whose job never ended with the workday. Perhaps it is through him that I've found and acquired my own work ethic, and for that I will always be grateful. My intention is not to suggest other occupations are easier. What is frustrating to me, in regards to my specific occupation, is the fact that the investment I put into teaching is not only often unrecognized, but in many cases, unmatched. I won't get into that though. Another place, another time.

My concern is that, I wonder: can we be expected to fill more than one role, and still give enough of ourselves to each? I hope so. I hope I can come home one day, be a good mother, a good teacher, a good wife, and every other role that requires of me, my best. I can't say for certain that it's possible, but if it is, I am determined to be that person.

the little things.

Kyle and I have, just these past couple of weeks, brought up the idea of being back in college. The only reason for this recent desire is because we both feel caught up in a whirlwind of busyness, with no eye to provide a brief respite. While I am usually one who prides myself on my ability to handle "busy", I've found myself struggling to find some sort of organizing agent to help me cope with the madness! It is extremely frustrating. Now, add in a handful of disrespectful and frustrating students, and you can begin to imagine why I come home exhausted every single day.

It may sound terrible, it may sound like every other person's life, it may sound silly, but despite how silly or terrible or easy it sounds, I am enjoying pieces of every day. I'm becoming closer with some of my students, and to see them get excited about what we're learning on a day-to-day basis, any teacher will tell you, is so fulfilling. I also feel myself opening up more and more to my colleagues, and even developing friendships. Working away from home has not been easy. It has been an adjustment, like it would be for anyone. But I'm finally feeling a little more myself, which is an unbelievable relief.

Who knows, maybe this optimism is a product of the "Friday fever", knowing that I just have to make it through one more day of school and then it's the weekend! Maybe it's because I have my wonderful friend, Betty, accompanying me to the Homecoming football game tomorrow night. When it comes down to it, we live for the little things that make us happy. I prefer to focus on those things, and only learn from the others.

Have a happy weekend all! You know I will.

summer bliss.

The other day I was considering all of the things I would miss about summer. While I find myself excited for the beauty of fall, there are just certain smells and places and events that are deeply embedded in memories of those few, short summer months. Here is my list:

1. The smell of bonfires and barbecues

2. Flip flops and open-toed sandals

3. Losing track of the date

4. Sitting out at the pool any, and every, day of the week

5. Spending nights on the boat with Kyle's family

6. Redbox (my second summer home)

7. Frozen yogurt and popsicles

8. Baseball

9. Vacations and trips

10. Bright colors and whites

11. Leisure reading, and more reading

12. Jumping into a pool

13. Fresh fruit

14. Re-runs

15. Oh yeah, a break from high school students

The list could go on and while it is easy to miss and long for those sweet sweet summer months, what keeps me moving forward is the fact that I could make a list for every season. There are things we love and live for throughout life. Things that are important to us, things that bring forth memories, and these things come from all places, all seasons, and all persons. I am thankful to have so many things I love, and I am anticipating a fall full of a different list of indulgences. There is always something to look forward to.

friday night lights.

There are certain things that take us back. Things that take us back to times when we weren't paying bills and our biggest concern wasn't whether or not our checks cleared. Things that remind us of how we got to the places we are today.

As I sat in the bleachers at Wheeler High School, watching Kyle's football team tear up the field, I was taken back to the packed Mustang stadium. I'll never forget seeing the lights, cramming into the bleachers, standing in line for hot chocolate, and screaming the school song at the top of my lungs. These memories, however, became even more clear to me as I found myself in a similar environment Friday night. The differences did surface as I realized I didn't have a crush on any of the players, the colors that enveloped the fans were not the familiar blue and gold, and the cheerleaders could not take their eyes off of Kyle, or should I say, Coach Becich. While a part of me longed for my days in the student section, I couldn't help but smile and realize how happy I am to be where I am at in my life.

I'll still sit under the friday night lights, I'll still cheer for those hardworking high schoolers, I'll still face inclement weather, but I'll do it as a teacher, and (cringe) as an adult.

While the thought of being an adult is overwhelming and somewhat dissatisfying, something about it does excite me. I enjoyed watching Kyle in action, seeing the benefit of his hard work. I am proud of him, just as I expect to be proud the young men I teach, when I make it to a game to support them. It's a new emotion that can be added to excitement, and I like it.

The excitement and pride of the friday night lights is something that I plan to treasure for a long time, and I'm happy I have the opportunity to do just that.